Um...
I'll have to agree with the person below me, the writing was a little weak. And Skulsta, when somebody refers to the "writing" aspect of a piece they mean a little bit more than just spelling. They mean character development, believability of the situation (even if the piece is Sci-Fi/fantasy), words and phrases the characters would used based on their personality and so on and so forth. You have a good idea going but maybe bring it back down to Earth a little bit and give me something that I can sink my teeth into. The story seems a bit outlandish.